Marrying a Dog

I would never marry either of my dogs. It’s not that I’m against a person marrying their dog, it’s just that the two dogs I have are not my type. They’re cool to hang out with, but I just don’t think of them in that way.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I’m pretty sure I would never marry a dog, but I can see the appeal. Monogamy won’t be that difficult, since even a breed known for longevity, like the Australian cattle dog, won’t generally live beyond their teens. And there are plenty of benefits to marrying your dog.

Let’s face it: millions of people in America are single. Many of them don’t want to be married, and in my experience, those people tend to be pet owners. So, if you know you don’t want to get married, why not marry your dog?

Dogs are loyal, have a good sense of humor, are up for pretty much anything, and no dog ever told you the TV shows you watch are dumb. Honestly… what more do you want in a spouse?

To be honest, it all sounds good to me until you get to the sex part. Though technically, if you don’t want to have sex, it’s probably best you get married rather than just be a live-in couple. Weddings pretty much signal the end of sex in a relationship. So really… if you oppose bestiality, I think you ought to encourage human-canine marriage.

The financial benefits are also readily apparent. All those single people working hard at their job are getting only a fraction of their actual work’s value because they aren’t receiving insurance benefits for a spouse. But, if you marry your dog, your work’s insurance will cover your vet bills. You can even have your dog by your side if you are ever hospitalized. Really, the legal and financial benefits of marriage just speak for themselves.

So, I urge you: support human-canine marriage. Why? Because crossing the line would be letting you marry your cat.

My two gay dogs. I don’t think they were born gay…
I think they’re “all boy’s school” gay.